Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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