The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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