Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
