This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
