im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
