I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
They are going to name an STD after you.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
