hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
