my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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