Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
