When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
