i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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