i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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