You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
