I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
