Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
