did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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