My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
