um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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