need another drink. this is the easiest way
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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