Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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