im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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