At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
