Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
