Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
