So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You made out with two different species that night
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
