i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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