Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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