I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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