i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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