Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
