they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
