You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
