we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
