I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
