Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
