sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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