I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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