hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
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