The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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