I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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