Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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