I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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