I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
