i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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