bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
