Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
