its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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