**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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