My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize