Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
