At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
