My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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