I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
