he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Randomize
