I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
