he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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